While working on something for next Wednesday's Sputnik, I realized that with only minor rejigging, part of it could make a pretty good blog. So without further ado, I present the four worst Christmas movies of all time!
(Note that in this case, "worst" does not mean "avoid at all costs", but rather "so bad they're good".)
4) Jingle All The Way. This one would be a lot higher if it wasn't (inexplicably) a moneymaking success. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a well-meaning business executive who leaves getting his son a Christmas gift until Christmas Eve. Unfortunately for the Governator, all the stores are sold out of Turbo Man action figures, and Arnie goes on a quest to find one, while being alternately aided and thwarted by a crazed mailman (Sinbad). Somehow this involves beating up several mall Santas. Oh, and Phil Hartman hits on Ahnold's wife. Best intentionally-funny quote: a caller to a radio station, trying to name Santa's reindeer - "Randy, Jermaine, Tito...". Best unintentionally-funny quote: Arnold escaping a bouncy castle while yelling "I AM NOT A PERVERT!".
3) Santa With Muscles. In theatres at the same time as Jingle All The Way - but far less successful - Santa With Muscles features Hulk Hogan as a bounty hunter who develops amnesia en route to saving an orphanage from Yuletide closure while thinking himself to be Jolly Old St. Nick. Amazingly, one of the more believable plots on this list.
2) Santa Claus. Made a strong case for #1, but it was originally in Spanish, so there's a chance (however slim) that the hilarity arises from poor translations. In this movie, Santa Claus does not live at the North Pole. Rather, he lives in a "gold and crystal palace". On a cloud. IN SPACE. And if that's not enough for you, his next-space-cloud neighbour is Merlin the Wizard, whose skills Santa needs to help fight Pitch, the devil's assistant. I'm not entirely sure if Christmas ever actually comes up in this one.
1) Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. See, this is the one where you'd expect Santa to be spaceborne. And possibly some sort of warrior. Neither are really true. Instead, Santa is kidnapped by a Martian leader who believes that Santa has the ability to make Martian kids happy for the first time in centuries. Two Earth children are captured as well, because otherwise they'd tell the authorities where Santa had disappeared to. (This isn't welcomed by the Earthlings, who try to hide from the Martians, at which point they encouter a man in a really bad polar bear costume, and opt to hide in a cave. Which the bear sees them go in. This doesn't lead to their cornering and death.) Naturally, some Martians are against this plan, and try to kill Santa instead. I don't want to spoil any more for you, you really just have to see it, even if you can only find the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version.
So this Christmas, ignore the little boy who just wants a BB gun, ignore the man who is visited by Christmas ghosts, and ignore the Muppets. Watch one of these instead. You'll be glad you did.
--Ryan
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