I now pronounce you man and wall

Or more accurately, wall and wife.

I say this because a Swedish woman has married the Berlin Wall. Here's the full story, from the Telegraph"

Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, 54, whose surname means Berlin Wall in German, wed the concrete structure in 1979 after being diagnosed with a condition called Objectum-Sexuality.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, whose fetish is said to have its roots in childhood, claimed she fell in love with the structure when she first saw it on television when she was seven.

She began collecting "his" pictures and saving up for visits. On her sixth trip in 1979 they tied the knot before a handful of guests.

While she remains a virgin with humans, she insists she has a full, loving relationship with the wall.

Mrs Berliner-Mauer, who lives in Liden, northern Sweden, said: "I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy.

"The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier."

While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Wall, erected by the Soviets in 1961 to halt an exodus from East to West Berlin, was largely torn down in 1989, its "wife" was horrified.

She's never been back and now keeps models depicting "his" former glory.

She said: “What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband."

She is said to have shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence.

Objectum-Sexual or objectophilia is feelings of love, attraction, arousal, and commitment for a particular object.

The mere thought of a relationship with an actual human being seems ludicrous.

My favourite part (by far) is that SHE TOOK ITS NAME.

That said, this does raise a number of increasingly bizarre questions.

For one, where are the rules on adultery? If some emotionally-charged East German sympathizer were to find a piece of the wall and kiss it, would that be considered adultery? Would the wife get mad at the woman? Would she get mad at her 'husband' for being complacent in letting it happen?

How about citizenship? I'm not familiar with Swedish law, but if a marriage has been going on for 29 years, odds are that would make the foreign spouse a citizen. Is the Berlin Wall now holding a Swedish passport? And if he is, is he eligible to play goal for their national soccer team?

I mean, seriously, between this and the chimpanzee that wants to be designated as a human, I'm starting to wonder if the main cause of overpopulation is us counting things as humans that clearly aren't.

But I guess those are just some of the problems facing any wallfully-wedded couple.

--Ryan